There's a certain irony that I've spent a lot of time telling people that the only way to have a blog is to really commit to it. That means posting regularly. Here I am posting for the first time in weeks. But I have an excuse.
You see, this has been a really crappy time for me. I thought that I had experienced every kind of loss imaginable and perhaps I have. But apparently I wasn't finished losing things. Or people.
Today was my last day on a job that not very long ago was a dream come true. It was a job that I thought was a gift from God. Maybe it was. Maybe I just needed to learn more about being dependent on Him. I don't know. I've heard way too many Christian platitudes in recent days. If one more person tells me, "whenever God closes a door..." I might have to excuse myself while my head explodes with the force of a small star going nova.
I've lost so much in the last two years. Losing this job would be a breeze except that it comes at a time when I'm losing other things as well, things that hurt really bad. Things, people, that I don't want to let go.
The spiritual journey requires one to grieve. I spend a lot of time thinking about the human condition, that's my curse and blessing in this life. I know about grief in my head, I know about the process. It's just that I'm so weary of it.
I once heard Garrison Keillor say in a funny moment, "My heart's been broken so many times that it makes a tinkling sound when I walk." I think I'd describe it more as a crunching. Like the sound a knee makes when its old and its lost most of its cartilage. And it feels about like that too.
I know that this isn't a profound theological observation tonight but it's the best I can do under the circumstances. If anyone is actually reading what I write here, please accept my apologies. Sometimes raw is the best we can do.
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